“People Pleasing”

 “People Pleasing”

I have counseled many women with this issue and wanted to share some thoughts with you. Do you aim to please people or God? I think as women we often are people pleasers, we try to keep everyone happy. Often we keep everyone happy at the expense of ourselves. We often find ourselves worn out, frustrated and even feeling “used by people”.  What does the Bible say about whom we are to please? In 2 Corinthians 5:9 it says, “So we make it our goal to please Him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.” Colossians 1:10 says, “And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.”

So, I would like you to ask yourself some questions and I hope they change your perspective like they did mine:

1. Do I seek the praise of others more than God?

2. Do I want praise of man above the praise of God?

3. Do I study what it takes to please man as much as (if not more than) what it takes to please God?

4. Am I a respecter of persons?

5. Am I over sensitive to correction, reproof, and other illusions of dissatisfaction or disapproval among others?

6.  Am I outwardly rendering eye service to man and not inwardly rending sincere (from the heart) ministry to the Lord?

7.  Am I selfishly using the wisdom, abilities, and gifts that have been given to me  for God’s glory and the benefit of others for my glory and personal benefit?

8. Am I discontent with the condition and proportion that God has appointed for me?

Please be honest as you ask yourself these questions.  I have counseled many women where I have had to confront this sin in their lives.  many of them never thought of themselves as “Approval Junkies”.   As I have researched this issue in the Bible it is my realization that there is the sin of pride and the idol of a man’s approval that has taken root in their heart.  No passion of the human mind is stronger than this.  After it has been sufficiently indulged, it becomes so habitual that it occupies all the energy of the soul, or perhaps more accurately, it becomes all the energy of the soul, transforming all the soul’s faculties and all its efforts into servants of its own selfish purposes. ( Timothy Dwight, President of Yale College, from his sermon ” On the Love of Distinction”)

The notion of ”codependency” has been given lots of attention in recent years.  There has been countless books, articles, workshops, etc. done to help people get a handle on this pop-psychology buzzword.  As Christians we must take care to define  and diagnose man’s problem not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught us by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words     ( I Cor. 2:13).  The Bible is clear in what this called.  The Bible calls this concept of codependency ” Idolatry”- looking to someone (or something) else to do for me those things that only God can do.  The type of person characterized by this type of behavior is a “people pleaser”.  The motive of such an individual is identified in John 12:43:  he ” loved the approval of men rather than [or at least more than] the approval of God.

All of this will be developed in my series “People Pleasers”, please follow me as I show you Characteristics of this sin and give you the biblical remedies of this problem.

It is my prayer that the Holy Spirit will use the truths contained in this information to remove any spiritual blindness from you and enable you to love the approval of God and not the approval of man.

May God get the Glory!

Cynthia Davis/Co. Founder

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Two Sides To Idolatry “People Pleaser”

THE TWO SIDES OF IDOLATRY

I am back to talk about  Idolatry,  as it relates to pride, which is at the heart of being a people pleaser and is an insidious thing.  Like a cataract that slowly covers the eye of its victims, pride keeps us from seeing our sins, thus preventing us from properly dealing with them.  I want to make it clear that I am focusing on women in this article, but men suffer from this as well.  So before I go on, I must tell you that as a counselor I have struggled to accommodate my counselees, rather than confront (Albeit gently) them.  I have been careful to understand why I have done that from time to time so that I can truthfully address my problem.  In my search for the truth as it concerns my inner struggles, I have been able to identify where I have personally struggled with idolatry.

 So today I come not just as a counselor professionally helping you to find your struggles with it, but I can passionately talk about it, as it has been a place I have been.  As you looked at the article last week, how did you answer the questions I gave you?  Be honest!  Maybe some of you didn’t fair so well and maybe some of you did better than you thought you would. Because the problem is rooted in pride, and pride is endemic to every human heart, each of us will, in varying degrees, struggle with the temptation to be a people –pleasers.  So don’t be discouraged with how you came out of the questions, and don’t be proud of yourself if you answered the questions well.  The real test of your answers will come as we take a closer look at characteristics of a people-pleaser.

I would like to make an important point about idolatry before we go further in this discussion.  There are always two sides to a coin, so there are usually two sides to idolatry.  The first side involves neglecting God.  The other side involves replacing Him with a cheap substitute.  The “tails” side says, “Inordinate Fear of Losing Something” People who love money fear losing their wealth.  Those who love to be in control fear being unable to control the circumstances and people that surround them.  The person who loves pleasure is often afraid of missing out on opportunities to gratify his fleshly desires. As with any other form of idolatry, the sin of people –pleasing also has two sides.  For the people-pleaser, love of man’s approval are accompanied by the flip side of the coin: fear of losing someone’s approval (or respect, or favorable opinion), or fear of being rejected, or sometimes even fear of conflict.  Keep this in mind as you evaluate your own struggle with people-pleasing.

Desire for Approval 

Fear of Rejection

Take some time to meditate on the two sides of Idolatry.  I want to take you slowly through this so that you can understand the extent of sin in your life, that these truths will be convicting to you.   You see most of us would never change the things in our lives that are out of sync with God’s Word apart from being convicted of our sin.  Of course conviction is a small part of change.  Indeed all Scripture  is useful for doctrine, for conviction, for correction, and for discipline training in righteousness ( 2 Timothy 3:16).

It may seem like I am not being sympathetic to you, by using such a rather severe approach to urge you to change, but it is actually a very loving approach.  The truth is what we will be discussing in this series is not a sickness (or a psychological disorder) for which there is no cure; it is not a genetic predisposition that you as a Christian will be forced to live with for the rest of your life.  It is simply a sin! And Jesus Christ came to do away with our sin.  That is where the gospel comes in.   To help you see your problem as a sin is one of the most hopeful things I can do for you because there is a powerful cure for this type of problem – the gospel of Jesus Christ.

We will discuss next time how to diagnose the spiritual disorder of people-pleasing.

Remember:   For Christ died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God, having been put to death  in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit…..(I Peter 3:18)

Cynthia Davis/Co. Founder

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Being Real About Our Pain

Have you ever had those times that you are feeling the your worst, emotionally and sometimes physically, and when asked by someone “How are You”, you answer ” I am fine”, knowing all the time you are hurting and need to talk to someone about it.   I sure have, more than I care to count. And, at that time you feel you are the only one feeling this way, so you“fake it to make”, you put on your best smile, and think  after all, no one wants to hear about your problems, right?   And so, the cycle begins… Here’s something I want you to remember the next time this happens to you.  A counselor once told me that “I’m F.I.N.E.” really means “I’m Feeling Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotionally unstable.” Now – how are you, really?   We are doing ourselves and each other a great disservice when we only look at the surface.  In today’s hustle and bustle, no one seems to have time (or wants to take the time) to look past this facade.  Instead, we accept each other’s “I’m fine” at face value, when really there are hundreds and thousands of “walking wounded” among us – women (and men) who are struggling in our midst, but too afraid to say anything or ask for help, most are too afraid of being judged.  Consequently, we talk about things like where did you get that purse, where do you work, a new haircut, our kids whatever the case may be – but it rarely goes deeper to the relationship-building, soul-searching, or God-pleasing issues that our lives are really made of. Perhaps we don’t want to ask, because we’re afraid that someone might ask us.  We don’t want to face our “junk” either, unless we can hide it in the privacy of our own homes with the door locked and the curtains drawn.  We don’t want people to see our imperfections, our sins, our struggles, and our pain.  

Why is that? Simple.  It’s our PRIDE.   I have times when I am the worst when it comes to letting pride get in the way – God’s way! Does this sound familiar?  “I don’t want to let people get too close because I don’t want to get hurt again.  I don’t want people to see my pain.  I don’t want to ask, because… I’M FINE!”    Today I ask for God’s forgiveness and your forgiveness, for not letting people see beyond the surface where the real me resides, for not letting anyone see the dark places I’ve been so they’ll see how far God has brought me, for not letting people see my brokenness so they can see the power of God’s healing.  It is truly a blessing when someone shares an intimate story about herself in such an open and honest way, making herself vulnerable to others simply for the sake of sharing so that others might see the glory of God and His gift of grace.  We don’t share that gift with people often enough. Even though we know Jesus died for our sins and we have been forgiven, we are unable to realize the fullness of His forgiveness.  

As a result, We become one of the “walking wounded” that everyone thought was “fine.”  Oh, what masks we wear and how well we wear them! God wants us to ask.  This is such a humbling experience for us – asking others for help.  God is waiting to bless us as he provides an outlet as well as healing, a place to share with “like-minded” women who have shared a similar experience.  While our backgrounds and situations are varied, we have a bond that has not been tapped into.  We  are able to laughed together and cry together and, more importantly, we can share our lives together. You and I are leaders, mothers, daughters, sisters, or friends in the Body of Christ, and among us every day are the “walking wounded.”  Perhaps you’re even one of them, possibly by no fault of your own.  If you’re not, you likely know someone who is.  If one out of three women who have personally experienced/struggling with issues like death, divorce, addictions, or abuse…just to name a few! We all need to break the vicious cycle, to never say “I’m fine” again, and to never accept someone else’s “I’m fine.”  Together, let’s vow to look deeper and truly see the person we’re talking to, the real person, the one who might be struggling – whatever that struggle may be – and let us minister to each other as God has called us to do.  Sometimes we need a reminder that we are so much more than our handbags, our jobs, or even our kids.  We are created in the image of Christ and He wants to use us for His glory.  The Lord wants us to share our lives and our testimonies so others can see His glory.  

What is your story?  Have you surrendered everything to Him to use or are you still holding out saying, “You can use everything else, but not this”,  Our gracious God never ceases to amaze me with what He can do and I am humbled that He wants to use me at all. Be a vessel.  Be one that God can use – to help someone who may feel surrounded by darkness, to show compassion and not condemnation, to comfort and to show the love and mercy of Jesus Christ.  It was no accident that God made women to be compassionate and nurturing creatures.  He knew all along how He would use us – as vessels for His work.  Arise and go!  Shine His light in the darkness so the “walking wounded” can see.  You won’t regret it!  You really will not believe how God will bless you through your issues as well.  It has never failed that every time I decide to minister despite what I am going through and when I decide to tell my story, God blesses me in such a way that I no longer feel depressed and alone, and through me sharing my story, he allows it to bless the hearers and in turn we all walk away better. It is my prayer that we as women stop “faking it to make it” and trust God and obey his call for our lives so that we can bless others as he instructs.(Matthew 5:16)

To God be the Glory!!

Cynthia Davis/ Life Change Ministries

 

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