The Ladies Room: The Bible And Child Sexual Abuse By Ressurection Graves

Heal with Me!

As a victor of emotional and child sexual abuse, I find myself in each post, and share information that will challenge you to heal within so that you can become more of yourself than you’ve ever known. We are what the world has been waiting for, aren’t we? Join my blog if you enjoy living a life at liberty to be unapologetic about your divinely beautiful self.

93% of Sexual Predators are Religious

How many more religious cases of abuse will happen before we start including sexual abuse and molestation conversation in the church? As a victor of child sexual abuse, and a Christian I just wanted to know if there was any mention at all of sexual abuse as a sin in the bible. We hear so much from the Catholic Church, and from situations in the Baptist, and Non-Denominational Churches. Regardless of sect, we are self identified Christians. Did you know that 93% of predators are religious? I will talk about this a little more below.

My mission is to go into churches and speak to the ministry leaders, and the congregation about sexual abuse because it is so widely spread within the church. I grew up with people who were molested by a man who I knew, in church. He never did it to me but he also thought I was angry, bad and defiant, which I was. He, I’m sure was afraid that I would fight and then snitch, which I would have. Although I have had encounters with sexual abuse outside of church, when I was made aware of this in the church, in my early twenties it left a heavy hurt within me for the women that I knew who carry this memory.

This man is the reason that the Sexual Offender List called A few weeks ago, I was at a friend’s house and

there was something in my spirit that lead me to ask her about her children, whether they had experienced sexual abuse. The answer was a resounding yes. Without giving detail of the situation, I will say that we had a talk about it. She loves me deeply, and I love her the same so we can talk without anyone stomping out of the room or hanging up on each other, even when it would seem that offense would surface. She knows I would never want to hurt or condemn her.

I took some liberties with her that have separated my sister and I for years.  I told her that I supported her but I challenged her choice to not tell anyone about the predator. It was a family member and she used a scripture from the bible that says that you shouldn’t take anyone to court. Well, I’m prepared to show you that God sees Sexual Perversion as grounds for death, so in that sense, maybe she’s right!

Her situation angered me so much that I prayed that night and came up with Ten Ways to Safeguard you Child from Sexual Abuse. I prayed on it and got revelation and confirmation the following morning. It was all of my passions, the messages on the inside of me that I am supposed to share with others in a basket. I started writing about the list that was created. I realized that this is such an epidemic that I could not keep quiet. I don’t think I’m operating in me right now. This is not something you wake up in the morning and want to do to be honest, at least not me. I wrote Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love as a memoir that I believe would bless others out of my obedience to my higher power, not realizing that it would indeed create a platform or that it would open doors the way that my prophetess friend shared.

As I do more research and learn how I can be of service, I realize that 80% of people who suffer from drug and alcohol addiction have been sexually abused.  The Abel and Harlow Child Molestation Prevention Study was conducted with 4,000 admitted child molesters. They found that 77% of child molesters are married. You are probably wondering why I have random pictures in this post. These pictures are of men who are convicted child molesters.

Famous Hollywood director who plead guilty to 5 counts of child sex

The “Clownhouse” and “Jeepers Creepers” movie star, was protested against by angry victims of sexual abuse regarding the film Powder (1995) which was a movie controlled by Buena Vista Films who is solely owned by Disney.

Here are some additional statistics that will blow your mind, and then I will share a few scriptures that do support that Child Abuse is a Sin.

Sexual Abusers fight for the right to attend Church

In an article that I found in the Washington Post addressing sexual abuse and the church, it seems that this is a really important topic nowadays. And with all of the negative press against church parishioners in the varying sects of Christianity, and religion as a whole, I completely understand why they are trying to figure out what to do. After all the bible does say that all should be forgiven. Who are we to judge?

Robbie Potter is a registered Sex Offender

93% of child molesters are religious. Of course, I am not surprised. I believe that everything happens from the head down so when priests, Eddie Long, and others are caught for their actions, and then their actions are ignored, the sexual abuse continues. It may not continue outwardly now, but please understand that the bible is very clear about the fact that we sin in our thoughts FIRST.

• 77% of Sexual Predators are MARRIED!!!!!!
• 49% of Sexual Predators are College EDUCATED!!!!!!
• 64% of Sexual Predators are WORKING!!!!!!

So ladies, one and twenty men are sexual predators. We know that there are women predators as well, although the number of women and men are vastly different. Neither should be tolerated at any point in time regardless of any gender, race, etc….

In the study, it says that there is no link between the Social Class or a Predator. Only one study linked sexual abuse to a social class and that class was one the highest social class determined by both money and education. There are links with physical abuse to lower-income and education however not sexual abuse.

Scriptural Support

Child molesters maintain that they target 30% of their victims who are stepchild, foster or adopted child, and 19% biological children; 18% are nieces and nephews. 90% of abusers target family members and those they know well. Did you read this? Read it again. And, there is an alarming 40% of child molesters targeting a friend, or neighbor.

In Leviticus 18 it speaks specifically about Grandparents (v.10), and in the verses of chapter 18 it covers a lot about aunts, in-laws, neighbors, homosexuality, and bestiality. Child Molesters are using the fact that God did not name Child Molestation by their review of the word, that it is okay or natural. I read a website last night of a Child Molester who wrote a book, saying that it should be and will begin to be accepted much like the acknowledgement and progression of homosexuality. His book is about us understanding the relationship between a man and young boys. In verse 29 of chapter 18 in Leviticus, it does say that any abominations committed regarding sexual perversion will result in the person being cut off.

Do you remember earlier I mentioned my friend who has children who has been sexually abused? She said that she did not want her family to get into trouble. She like many, are afraid of the impact that it will have on the family, not thinking of what it will psychologically do to their own children. In Leviticus 19: 17 it says that you can’t hate your neighbor but you can rebuke him. To rebuke in short means to reprimand. I’m sure I could go deeper but I’ll leave it here and say that when you reprimand, you must first yourself acknowledge that something was done wrong so that it can be dealt with.  As for my friend, I’ll have her to consider Proverbs 27:5 which says that open rebuke is better than secret love. In many families, keep the secret is better than confronting the issue.

James Edward Green Repeat Sexual Offender who raped two fifteen year old boys recently and is charged with ten felonies including kidnapping.

Sarah Tofte of the Human Rights Watch says 25% of all sex offenders re-offend within 15 years.  In Proverbs 27:5, there are a lot of commentary on this. I do not by any means profess to be a theologian however I will give my two cents as follows:

It is better to bring the issue to the surface and rebuke the person than to hide it in secret hate. See, love is no secret, that is the irony of the passage. Remember this is my interpretation, and comments are welcome. GOD is LOVE and he is not a secret; neither is love for us. Love is pure and when you really pay attention to how love operates, it is the exact opposite of fear as scripture supports. If there is a presence of fear, you are not operating in love.

What should be done?

STOP HIDING!!! Stop protecting the predators and protect your child(ren), and your neighbors children, nieces and nephews etc… Unfortunately, I have never ever heard of someone who is a child molester being totally delivered from being one. My point is that this seems to be an issue that the person chooses as a sinful lifestyle, why support it?

Here is another bible church and sexual abuse/mental illness blog. Please read and share.

I teach Ten Ways to Safeguard your Child from Sexual Abuse, and my prayer is that churches, clergyman, and Christians would be open to having very real conversations about parenting and predators.

Thank you.

Ressurrection Graves

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Introducing “Ressurection Graves” In The Ladies Room

This week we are introducing a young lady that has a testimony and ministry.  Ms. Graves touch our hearts  when we found her blog.  She is gifted in the “Spoken Word” and allows God to use her life experiences to help other women become free from some of the things that hold them in bondage.  She is very transparent and allows herself  to connect with her audience. We are so excited about what God is doing in her ministry and we know you will too.

Resurrection at the Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault. She began this video with an explanation of her other poem entitled “RAPE”. Feel free to check out her blog at http://ressurrection.wordpress.com.

Be Blessed!

Cynthia Davis

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Intentional Marriage “Stand Up Or Shut Up”

Welcome to our video broadcast of The Intentional Marriage. We are looking at how to sift our marriage conflicts, failures and questions through a small but powerful passage in the Bible.

18 minutes of power. Take a listen. Lynn

Lynn/Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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Tough Love (I.E. Sacrificial Love)

 I find myself in the most difficult position of my life. It’s not one I ever imagined being in, yet God has deemed it wise and necessary to put me here. And my family. I don’t want to go into details because that’s not what I want this post to be about.

Some of you out there are going through some of the most difficult times in your lives, too. Many with your marriages and family situations. I am too. I’m not a tough person, nor am I confrontational. In fact, I’m quite the opposite, almost to a fault.

Yet I am forced to exhibit tough love to someone I love more than myself. It hurts. It’s exhausting. But I know if I don’t, she will never move from this place of great pain and depression to live her life completely.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I found myself this morning in my prayer time with such a weight in my heart for my own situation and some others that have contacted us for prayers. The words to the song “I Surrender All” flowed from my heart and lips. I could think of nothing else to do than just hand it all over to God and truly trust He has it all in control even when it seems completely out of control. Not an easy thing to do.

My heart is breaking for my daughter, and for those of you out there struggling, feeling like you are in a hopeless situation. But I refuse to believe any situation is hopeless. Nothing we are facing right now is bigger than our God. And though it may seem He’s not working, we can trust that He is.

Maybe God wants us in that position to surrender all so that He can move in full swing and accomplish much more than we can even imagine. We see only the issue on the surface, yet God sees the roots growing much deeper into our lives and into our futures. He’s not satisfied with a temporary band aide when He holds life to the fullest out to us in his scarred hand. A future full of promise and hope.

Unfortunately, it sometimes means we have to get our hands dirty and give that tough love to get there. Be willing to do the hard stuff for the benefit of our loved ones. Give the kind of love Christ gave us. Sacrificial love.

Whatever you’re facing, you can do this. We can do this. God is there, and He won’t leave us or abandon us in our greatest time of need. He wants to bring wholeness and healing into our lives, for us and for our loved ones.

If you are in this place, please let us know. Lynn and I want to be praying for you. Leave comments or use our email contact information, which is on each of our About pages. Don’t lose hope. Bring the light of Christ into your situation, full beam with the prayers of others added to yours.

We will persevere.

Praying and believing,

Dineen/ Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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What I Do See

 Sometimes we get so caught up in looking for how God is working in our unbelieving spouses that we miss seeing the places that they are struggling. I’m becoming more and more aware of this in my husband’s life.

He’s a pretty even keeled guy with a very strong moral base. I’ve found that most atheists do have pretty high self-imposed standards. So I have to pay a lot closer attention to what’s going on in my husband’s life internally because it can be quite subtle. But this is what I’m seeing:

1. About every 5 to 10 years, he reinvents himself. Changes his clothing style, the way he wears his hair (we’ve gone from ponytail long to completely shaved and everything inbetween), and his interests.
2. He’s always looking for something more interesting to do that challenges him. Whether it’s reading, sports, or hobbies, he’s constantly exploring and looking for the next “thing to do.”
3. Early on, the changes he’d make in his life seemed to bring him some contentment and satisfaction for a while. I don’t see that anymore. He’s constantly in a state of restlessness and discontent.
4. Though he’s always been very steady emotionally and very independent of external encouragement, I see him struggling with some depression. If I didn’t know him as well as I do, I don’t think I would notice it because it’s so subtle. But I find he’s looking to me for strength and encouragement in ways he never has before.

These observations are helping me to pray for him. God has made it clear to me that the battle is on and I can’t stand on the sidelines anymore (time to get my hands dirty which scares me a bit to be honest). Thinking about these areas and observing them gives me windows into my husband’s struggle and guidance on how to pray for him, to ask God to use each of these areas to reveal His grace and mercy.

It’s not easy though, to watch this battle and to have the answer. Yet my husband still isn’t interested in knowing the Truth. In knowing Jesus. I confess it’s hard some days not to get frustrated because I so clearly see what he needs, yet he’s convinced otherwise. Some days I want to just drop kick him to Jesus and ask, “Can we be done with this already?”

I hope you’re laughing. We need moments of laughter. Seriously. (wink)

So, I stand before you, dear friends, deep in the struggle of a mismatched marriage. The enemy seems to be hitting hard at the moment, and God is letting certain areas run their course. I understand the necessity of that. If it brings my hubby to Jesus, then so be it.

But some days…

How about you? What major area do you see God working in your unbelieving loved one?

Praying and believing,
Dineen/Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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And The Walls Came Tumbling Down

Lynn’s post yesterday talked about the walls we erect that keep our guys on the outside. I want to share with you how this translated into my life.

I walked into my marriage with the expectations I’d leaned from the pages of romance novels and movies. I’d bought into the fairytale. Everything was fine in the beginning but then the reality began to settle in.

My husband wasn’t perfect. He didn’t do the things I thought he should. He didn’t get that he had a role to play in the script I’d written in my mind and heart. He didn’t even know his lines!

How dare he let me down like that? How dare he not do the things around the house that seemed so obvious to me? How dare he not pull his weight in the relationship?

So what else could I do? I jumped in and did it. After all, these are things that have to be done and done right. You know the saying, if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself. So I did!

I did everything. I had to. No one else would. I took care of the kids, the house—everything. And I worked so hard to get things just right and either he didn’t notice or the kids just undid it all so that I had to do all over again.

Life wasn’t fair. Why didn’t he get that if he would just do things the way I wanted and was there when I needed him, life would be so much easier.

Let’s fast forward to a little ways into my marriage. We’d moved to Switzerland because of a work opportunity for my husband. Things started out great, then went from bad to worse. The weight of the world on my shoulders effectively doubled.

I walked into my new church one day and was approached by a soft-spoken woman. She handed me a piece of paper about a group called 1Peter3, a group for women married to unbelievers. I joined immediately and we studied the book Beloved Unbeliever together.

God began to open my eyes through this and another Bible study, Experiencing God. Not to see my husband’s faults and lack, but to see my own. I began to see how much I pressure I had put upon my marriage and my husband through my expectations. I backed off, reassessed, and started to painfully change the way I talked to my husband. I became aware of my words. My marriage began to improve greatly as God taught me to respect my husband.

Still, there was this pattern that seemed to show up. Things would go great for a while and then go down the drain again. Why? Why did this keep coming back? Why did we keep getting stuck in this place? I’d done pretty well in communicating my needs and helping to understand what I was saying without being condemning, so why did the same issues keep cropping up?

One day I was walking into my kitchen. Maybe I was praying, I don’t clearly remember. What I do remember was a very clear and sudden thought.

“It’s not him who has to change, it’s me. It’s not his perceptions that need adjustment, it’s mine.”

Like a light bulb bursting with light, this truth exploded in my head and did a number on my heart. I realized I had let go of my expectations of what I wanted and had replaced them with negative expectations. The kind where you expect your spouse to do what he’s always done, to disappoint you the way he always done, to let you down the way he’s always done.

I’d placed these negative expectations on my husband, ones he could actually meet, but never gave him a chance to do anything else. The problem was, each one added a brick to that wall around me, the one I thought would keep me from feeling the hurt of being let down. And my poor guy kept bouncing into it, feeling as if he could never do anything right.

It’s a vicious cycle. It destroys marriages. It destroys people.

I had to tear down the bricks and it would take a while. First, I had to break this habit of negative expectations that I’d developed and see in my husband the potential God had created in him. Until I did, my husband would never become the man God had fashioned him to be. And two, I had to rebuild trust in our marriage. I had to show my husband I believed in him, that I truly supported him, and trusted him. Respected him.

My desire to change my husband shifted to a desire to change me. I wanted to change. I needed to change. I was desperate for freedom! I prayed for God to change me, to change my heart, to change my thinking, and to help me love my husband the way Jesus loves him.

God took my pain and desire and used it to tear down the walls I had built around my emotions. He freed me from lies and bad habits and showed me how to affirm, appreciate and out-love my husband.

Friends, this is not easy to share with you. I have no shame admitting my path because I know God has forgiven and redeemed me and my past. But to write this out brings me tears. It’s not been an easy journey. It’s been painful but so worth it!

God is gracious, kind and faithful. I shared in our Weekend Devo what my husband did for me last week. That is not how it’s always been. It has taken work and time to reach this place of where I can love him without expectation and the more I do—the more I love my husband through Jesus—the more our marriage has healed and thrived.

For so many years I wanted my guy to fit a mold that I had created for the perfect husband. To finally release him from that and to just love and appreciate the man he is, and then to out-love him as we’ve been doing here, brought something from his mouth I thought I would never hear. He actually referred to a task that needed to be done in our home as a “job for him, a husband’s job.” Something I never would have imagined I’d hear him say.

I still stumble at times and God is quick to show me and pick me up so I can apologize to my husband. The results of this journey are still coming in. I’ve changed dramatically and my husband has responded in so many unexpected ways. Now he’s starting to out-love me. That was never my motivation for out-loving him. I wanted only to be obedient to God for the sake of my husband’s future salvation, to show him Jesus.

The world will tell you that your perfect mate will meet your every need. God will tell you that He is all that you need and will show that He’s already met your every need in His Son Jesus. When we live in this truth, we are free to love Jesus and everyone He puts in our path. We trulylove because He first loved us.

God sees your desires and efforts, your pain and struggles in your marriage. He wants to show you a better way. Ask him. He’s just waiting for you to make the first move.

Praying and believing,
Dineen/Spirtually Unequal Marriage

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Spiritually Unequal Marriage

Let’s talk about older kids.

I’ve been sharing with you about the battle I sense coming with my husband. A new aspect has developed that I’d like to talk about here because I think it’s an area we haven’t really touched upon. And some of you out there reading this may have some inspiring wisdom and stories to share. I’m betting you do.

My daughters are mostly grown. One is 21 and the other 17. The oldest is in college and the youngest (our cancer survivor) is trying to figure out what to do with her life. If you have kids this age, you probably know this can be a time when they are mostly focused on themselves because it’s a huge time of transition for them. They are crossing the line between dependent children to independent adults. I think we all remember our own struggles during this time.

Last week a morning of prayer prepared me to have a conversation with my oldest daughter about the spiritual battle going on around her dad. She can’t see this right now. She only sees how it is affecting her on a visible level. I needed to help her understand that what she saw on the surface is only symptomatic of the battle waging for her dad’s soul.

As I said to her, maybe this sounds dramatic, but it is the truth. More is at stake than how we are inconvenienced or misunderstood. The very next day, I wound up having to say nearly the same things to my youngest, at her initiation. For the first time I’m having to enlist the understanding, prayers and support of my daughters.

This is a challenge I hadn’t anticipated, thus why I thought it would be wise to discuss it here. It’s not the same as when they are little and ask why Daddy doesn’t believe in God or go to church. I think I preferred that challenge to this one. When they are little, their hearts are a bit more willing to pray and understand what’s more important. Their innocent hearts are quick to accept what they don’t see but know to be true.

As young adults they see more of what they have to sacrifice and that challenges them in unexpected ways too. Good ways that I believe God wants to use to increase their faith and trust in Him, but challenges none-the-less.

This is the conversation I had to have with my daughters—to explain to them that more love and understanding along with prayers are required in this time of spiritual warfare, that it can’t just be about our own lives and what we’re struggling with or trying to accomplish, but it’s a time to join a common cause or mission, if you will.

I know this is stuff they need to hear and know. And I praying for wisdom and guidance to help them navigate this new territory that perhaps I should have seen coming or prepared them better. As the first believer in my family and an only child to boot, I’m navigating untried waters here. Thank goodness God is patient and merciful!

So, my dear friends, let’s hear from you. How are you or would you navigate waters like these? Right now, for the Miller crew, we are truly walking by faith and not by sight.

Praying and believing,

Dineen/Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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Winning Him Without Words

When I was a young married woman I was desperate to find others who could help me navigate this crazy, often lonely, mixed up journey of the unequally yoked. In those early years the resources were limited to a couple of books and not much more.

It was during that time I hesitantly joined a small group. A women’s Bible study. That group changed my life. I found friends, hope and help. I found Jesus with Skin On.

In our book we discuss what Jesus looks like with “skin on.” He looks a lot like you and me. We are His hands, his feet, his voice to others who are searching for hope. And others are often speaking to us through God’s spirit. How amazing is that? In Chapter Two of the book I emphasize how important it was for my journey to healing and thriving in my marriage, to join a small group.

With this in mind I want to share that there are actually small groups forming all over the country, dare I say the world, where their main purpose is to love on, help and study together with other spiritually mismatched. So, if you are looking for a group, we have a list atWinningHimWithoutWords.com/studygroups. There are only a few listed and we are trying to grow the list. These are groups who are studying our book. And there are groups that are studying other books on this specific topic. Take a look to see if there is a group in your area.

If there isn’t? Perhaps this is the very ministry God is calling you to. There is always a need to reach out to this vast population who is striving to live for Christ in a spiritual mismatch. So let me know if you are starting a group, know of a group or are in a group and want the group listed on our site.

I want to take a minute to thank everyone for the amazing week of fasting that transpired last week. My friends, this is where the power of God goes into overdrive. I can promise you that bonds were broken and the salvation of many was set into motion. I’m already excited for next year.

Finally today, I want to share this scripture in salute and to greatly honor all who are standing in the gap for their marriage. God sees you. He knows you love Him more than you love yourself and He looks upon your face and says, “Well done, good and faithful servant…. Come and share your Master’s happiness. (Matt: 25:23)

Today in the comments, please let me honor your commitment to marriage and more importantly, your commitment to marriage.

Write your name and the years you have been married. Let’s bring these awesome number’s before the throne of grace in one big amazing praise offering.

Lord, we love you. We KNOW You have amazing plans for your lives in 2012. You have set in motion healing in our hearts, our men our marriages. You have proclaimed the year of the Lord’s favor upon those who desire to be faithful in marriage and faithful to You. We give you our marriage. May it bring great honor and fame to the name of your son, Jesus. In His name we pray. Amen.

Lynn and Mike – 20 years, March 14

Dineen and Mike – 24, September 5

Lynn and Dineen Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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